One Thing at a Time

Stop trying to change your life.

New Year resolutions, detailed morning routines, buying a dozen books—stop.

In my experience, the reason most people fail to change is that they believe it’s not enough to be better—if they’re going to try to change their life, they need to target “perfect.”

How many times have you failed to “change your life?”

I. How the story goes

Everyone goes through highs and lows—I know I have. There are times when you feel like a failure, that nothing is going your way. Maybe it’s burnout, maybe it’s a series of unlucky occurrences, sometimes it’s as simple as it being winter. Regardless, you get stuck in a rut.

Eventually, your executive function kicks in again, and you experience a sudden burst of energy and strategic thinking. You finally find the motivation to pull yourself out of the rut.

You take out your notebook and start jotting down how you picture your “perfect day.” What time you’ll start waking up, what the morning routine looks like, all of those habits you know you should be doing but just haven’t integrated yet, the projects you want to start, and on and on. All of the planning you wish you had done years ago pours forth, and you’re happy with the picture you’ve painted on the page.

I won’t knock this practice. Coming up with a perfect day can help us create the map with which to develop ourselves.

The problem is that we then try to do it all at once.

I’ve done it, my friends have done it—I imagine it’s very common. In essence, you take this perfect day, this list of habits, this morning routine, and you tell yourself “Starting tomorrow, this will be the way I live.”

Amazingly, this initial bought of motivation carries you forward for the first week, maybe two. During that time you’ll be hitting all your targets. Habits are being formed, your new sleep schedule is working out, your morning routine is making you feel incredible.

But inevitably something happens.

You lose steam or something outside of your control sends you spinning.

Before you know it you’re right back to where you were and that journal entry is hidden away in a drawer somewhere. Maybe in six months or a year, you’ll start the process all over again.

II. How to change the story

Next time, after you draw up your perfect day, pick just one thing to focus on. Only one habit that you want to form, and do it.

Maybe it’s journaling every night before bed, or instituting the perfect shutdown ritual. Whatever it is, focus on it, singularly, until you’ve mastered it.

And once you’ve changed your life in that one minuscule way—do it again.

This concept is related to two key ideas:

  1. We all drastically overestimate what we can do in a day and underestimate what we can do in a year.
  2. What we achieve over our lifetime is nothing more than the sum of all our days.

I’m going to hone in on that second point for a moment because while it may be completely obvious to some, for me it took years to grasp.

What we achieve over our lifetime is nothing more than the sum of all our days.

We all have fantasies about our futures. Whether it’s walking the red carpet or raising a family. I’m sure you have daydreams whether in the shower or at your desk of that future. Probably often.

And chances are it’s a future that others before you have achieved.

It’s a fantasy that is based on another’s reality.

What does that tell us?

It tells us that it can be done. It’s possible. That there is some version of you that makes all the moves necessary to get there.

But what are those moves?

Work backward, work from large to small. Where do you need to be in five years? One year? Six months? What is the big move you need to make? What are the smaller moves you need to make to be prepared for that opportunity?

What do you need to do today to make sure you have a portfolio when the timing is right and the opportunity is before you?

And at the very bottom of it all: What do your days look like? What are the habits you need to support this dream?

Pick the most important one, and start.

III. How to make a habit stick

Slow growth works. Slow growth leads to permanent betterment. If you want to change who you are it’s easier to do it piece by piece than all at once. Sculpting one’s self takes time, don’t rush it.

Through this process, you’ll also receive the added benefit of personal integrity. Which I cannot stress enough.

But, even picking one thing and doing it is tough. Here are a few pieces of advice to help you:

  1. Begin with identity/internal motivation.
    • It’s a lot easier to make a daily writing habit when you consider yourself a writer.
    • It’s a lot easier to get to bed on time when you understand the health risks associated with sleep deprivation.
  2. Focus on what’s in your control.
    • When setting goals, whether habits or otherwise, focus on the work
    • E.g. Don’t target getting at least 10 Instagram likes every day, target posting something high quality every day.
  3. Don’t lie to yourself.
    • You may need to fail to start a habit a few times before you can do this.
    • Try to have a sense of what you can truly commit yourself to. You should feel 100% certain that you can achieve your goal before you say “Yes.”
  4. Start small
    • It’s easier to go bigger after success than to go smaller after failure.
    • E.g. Target 5 pullups a day. Once you’ve been able to do that consistently up the amount.
  5. Track it.
  1. Find an accountability buddy.
    • Creating a habit with a friend is much easier than going it alone.
    • Every day message each other about whether they’ve completed their habit.
  2. Plan for hiccups
    • What if during your 100-day streak you take a vacation? Or get sick? What are the rules for keeping the streak running (or putting it on pause guilt-free)?
  3. Plan for failure
    • Write out a plan of action for when you miss a day.
    • Having a plan allows you to get back on track without having to think about it.

IV. Parting words

Trying to develop 30 habits at once will likely leave you unchanged. Trying to develop one habit at a time will leave you a completely different person in a year.

If you want to be a new version of yourself, don’t target tomorrow, target the end of the year.

2021-07-17